You think we have it bad and buggy in the GTA?  Consider the sad case of one Kenneth Baer, CFO of Sealed Sweet Growers, Inc., in Vero Beach down in Florida.  “Fruit flies are up there with hurricanes, tornadoes, frost, hail and canker,” says an exasperated Mr. Baer.  “The only good thing about a fruit fly outbreak is that you can control it.  You can’t deal so well with a hurricane.”  Up here, those little flying beggars attempting to extinguish themselves in wineglasses are most likely not the bane of Mr. Baer but instead are fungus gnats.  Their larvae chomp away on houseplant roots, especially delighting in the modern peat-lite, soil-less blends.  Put an end to these, yellow jackets and other airborne invaders indoors with Safer “Sticky Stiks”.  These are one great invention.  The bright yellow attracts the bugs and the tacky surface catches them.  They work wonderfully against the aforementioned fungus gnats along with whiteflies, aphids and other houseplant horribles.  No noisesome chemicals, sprays, dusts or other environmentally unfriendly acts.

Along with the arrival of garden pests, weeds, fungus and other gawd-awfuls there enters environmentalists.  They fasten on to gardeners like Mel and his morons at City Hall to a 9% raise.  The clarion call of their campaign rings out: “Down with the Demon Chemicals”.  They propose instead all kinds of other home-brewed concoctions that Macbeth’s witches would have envied.  At least the amount of garlic strewn hither and thither has the benefit of ensuring that never will a Toronto gardener be attacked by vampires.  Not that there is much blood left in the citizenry after local taxes take their bite.  One can only trust the garlic itself was organically raised…

The trouble with all of these sprays, dusts and other preparations- chemical or “natural”- is that they wipe out every insect, arachnid and other creepy-crawlies.  Even the much-touted Bacillus thurgiensis (or Bl to its proponents) may wipe out the cabbage white butterfly larvae but also takes with it those of the monarch butterfly.

Why go to all this pother and bother?  How about this for a cost-effective, environmentally-friendly idea: use your fingers to squish, squash and in general put the squeeze on unwanted visitors.  Works wonderfully and, as the bugs die, they release alarm scents into the air that discourage others of their ilk lurking on the other side of he lilac.  “Ugh” you say.  “I couldn’t do that”.  But you love the environment, don’t you? 

Notice how much we believe in the predictions of meteorologists and climatologists?  Those forecasts are accurate, are they not?  Why shouldn’t we believe in global warming, increased carbon dioxide levels and still more doom and gloom?  Would you believe all is not well in the wonderful world of weeds?  Researchers at the U.S. Department of Agriculture believe so.  According to Lewis Ziska and his merry colleagues a ragweed plant at pre-industrial levels of carbon dioxide produced an average of five grams of pollen.  Today, it is double that, to the doubtful delight of asthma sufferers.  Better get down there on your knees and start tearing the stuff out by hand.  Wouldn’t want to use environmentally friendly herbicides, would we?  Oh yes, this past mid-July, northeast Saskatchewan experienced a plant-killing frost.  But then that’s global warming for you.

In truthfulness, under city garden conditions, ripping weeds out by hand is highly effective.  On lawns and between pavers on the patio, a sharp knife is the weapon of choice.  Pouring boiling water over paved areas also works to eliminate weeds, seeds and injurious insects.  And what ever happened to the hoe, an ideal implement for taking into beds? 

Don’t add those weeds to the composter until they’ve been thoroughly wilted for several hours in the sun and wind.  Diseased trimmings added to the home composter are also a risk; rarely do temperatures rise high enough within the composter to destroy the spores.  A simple way to control many diseases is to snip off the affected portion.  Play safe after this by bagging the snipped portions and giving them the boot into the municipal garbage.

None of this appealed to Canadian cultural icon Sondra Gotlieb.  “Take care of the hibiscus plant,” she wrote, “I kept it 10 years. It needs a bug blast every three weeks.  The stronger the better.  Actually, the ones with the health warnings on the can do the best job.”  That’s what the diplomatic service does for you.

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